Oi! Family!
This week was pretty good. I learned so much. Last Tuesday, after I emailed y'all, an apostle of the Lord came. IT WAS AWESOME! I swear, like every prayer I had that week was answered. He gave us a blessing too. He blessed us that we would master the language, and that we would learn to love the Lord. And after the closing song, he basically knocked the girl that was going to say the prayer to keep talking to us, and I am serious, he said my Setting Apart Blessing. I was just sitting there in shock. We taught our first legit Portuguese investigator for a second time, and Brother Dherden told me that I might not be able to say much, but what I taught with the Spirit and he could tell that the Spirit was helping me a whole bunch and I improved so much.I just have to be more confident with myself. I felt so happy, like seriously. We also taught Moise for the last time:( Brother Nelson is no longer our teacher, we are getting an actual Portuguese teacher. I am so sad. He has taught me so much, and I feel the Spirit every time he teaches. Sister Corbitt and I struggled all weekend to know what to teach Marcos. Sister Corbitt felt like we should teach baptism, but I had no idea what to teach. I was so frustrated, I prayed and prayed and searched. When we taught the lesson, he started out talking about families and I knew we should keep talking about families and tell him families were forever, but I had no idea how to tell him that. But I did share my testimony, and it was weird, cause I didn't feel like I was saying it, and I said things I honestly didn't know how to say, and then Marcos sincerely told me thank you, which was really special to me. But I have to be prepared for the next time the Lord answers me that way, he answers in his time. I did a funny and told him baptism was important, but it was wrong timing (it was at the end after Sister Corbitt committed Marcos to baptism and he was like 'yeah, sure' since y'all say it's good' but all I heard he say was baptism and important. Haha. Oh well. I hope our lesson will be good next time, we are going to have a new teacher tomorrow and will probably teach them in Portuguese. AH!
Our Branch Presidency has asked us to read the Book of Mormon before we leave the MTC. 14 pages a day. It's crazy how awesome the Book of Mormon is. It just keeps on changing too. It is a book that literally speaks to you and changes for your needs. I asked some questions to the Lord before I started reading, and all of my questions have been answered. It's pretty fabulous.
There was one day where I was really frustrated with my self, everyone seems to be improving except for me. That night, I had this pretty awesome dream thing happen and I think it is so awesome that I want to share it with you. I was pretty excited to write again.
My Dream:
I climb into up the ladder and sink into the mattress. I don't want to get up ever again. All I want to do is stay on that bed.
"Tomorrow," my mind whispers, "I will pack up and go home." The missionaries here are better, smarter, and way more spiritual than me. Compared to them, I am nothing but a child. I mutter a quick prayer while lying on my side. I am ashamed to address Him, for I feel like He is not by my side. Every time I do something, I do something wrong. There is a million different thing I want to say, but they always remain wants, never words. I am inadequate, I am inferior, my task is beyond me. I don't cry, I am far too angry. My eyelids forcefully shut, and minutes later, I am asleep. I find myself in a land I don't recognize. I am alone in the street. Houses are cheap and sad. There are barely any trees. Rocks are everywhere, and I can see mountains a far. The streets seem like hills. The houses are so vast and far, it seems to be a still sea, forever in the shape of a wave. My companion is no where near me. I search, I yell, tears finally come. I truly am alone.
I feel a hand land on my shoulder, I quickly turn around. I am shocked to see the hand on me is scarred and worn, yet gentle and powerful. I look up, He is taller than I thought he would be. He is smiling down at me, His eyes are filled with a love that I have never seen any human express. It is my Savior and my best friend. I do not weep with joy, I don't startle in shock, I recognize him immediately, and I return his smile. He tells me he will be my companion. We begin to walk up the street, a huge hill. If I were walking by myself, I would be out of breath, but with the Lord as my companion, I feel like I can walk for miles.
We walk and walk, and still we see no people. I search for faces, for laughter, for speech, but there is nothing.
"Lord," I ask, "where are all the people?"
His kind eyes return to me.
"Waiting," He simply replies.
"Waiting for who?" I ask.
He gives a deep chuckle.
"For me and you."
The anger I had been feeling, rushes back into my heart. He seems to know what I feel, for He grabs my arm and makes me stop.
"Where have you been?" I ask. "I have been alone for weeks! I have not learned anything!"
He stands there looking down at me, saying nothing for a time. I am ashamed my anger hasn't lessened, I turn my head to the side.
"Sydney," He gently whispers.
Tears keep falling and I don't want to look at Him.
"Look at me, please."
Even at that moment, agency is my choice and His gift. I choose to look up.
"When have I left you?"
I don't answer because He knows my reply.
"I have never left you."
I think, 'That is a lie.'
He sighs and sits down on a bench that was not there before. He pats the seat next to him, and I comply. The bench is hard, and for awhile, we don't speak.
"Do you know where we are?"
I have an idea, but I shake my head.
"I always know where you are."
The wind gently caresses my cheek, a sweet relief from the humidity.
"You may not remember, but I was there when you were born. Air was not in your lungs, I gave you your first breathe. When you were lying alone with no parent in sight, when you let out a cry, I would reach out and hold your tiny, little hand. And when you finally could breathe alone, I would hold you in my arms."
"I was there through your childhood, there were times I would have to push you out of dangers way. As a child, you would never look where you were going, always in your own little world." He gives another chuckle, remembering my childhood I am sure.
"I was there through your hardest times. Who do you think was there when you wept on the ground? Who do you think lifted to your feet when you felt like your world was falling apart? Do you remember the hug I gave you and the words I spoke:
'I am your father and I will never leave you."
"I made a promise that day, did you already forget? I have never left your side. I have heard all of your prayers. The Father and I are always there."
I sat there remembering all the times he described me, and this time I could remember him there.
"What about now?" I ask quietly, already knowing the answer.
He stands and begins to walk, I run to catch up.
I expect to see anger on his face, but I am amazed to see amusement. His voice is also laced with such.
"You faith, Sydney, can move mountains. It's just as astonishing as you are now. But your doubt is just as astonishing as your faith and equally as powerful. Your doubt can ruin generations and crumble the world."
Before I can open my mouth, he turns to me.
"Who do you think impress thoughts into your mind when you teach, or gave you the blessing when you felt sadness? I told you you need to serve a mission, do you think I would leave you now?
You say you feel like a child, but it is your childlike exterior and interior is your greatest strength. You love so easily, and your childlike innocence shines. Do you not remember when I asked the children to come unto me? Right now, child, I need you to not doubt me."
I start to ask him how I could teach if I could not speak, but he interrupts me.
"You will not learn their language at this time, but you will learn at my time. Right now you will learn my language: love. Love them as I love them, and they will know me.
How do you think I taught the deaf? Who caused them to hear? Their faith was because of my actions, not because my words did they know me."
The doors of the houses open, and people I recognize walk out. For nights they have been haunting my dreams.
The dream ends with the Savior saying: "You are not here to teach them, you are here to serve them."
Okay. SO that dream was pretty crazy and pretty dang awesome. I realized though, that with the Lord as my companion, I can do anything. I feel like Satan has been attacking me with doubt, but the Lord has been fighting back equally as hard.
Love you family!!!
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